Thursday, May 29, 2008

Digging Deep

It's been a hard couple of weeks. I alternate between feeling like I can't press forward, and deciding that I simply must, and must do it well. Being a mother has never meant more to me than it does now - I'm feeling more focused, more intent, more desirous to give these kids more of me, more of my heart, more of my life. I suspect it is significant that this intensity of desire comes parallel to -- no, intersecting with -- the intense opposition coming from circumstances and from my own internal struggle.

It's at times like these when I feel, almost physically, the roots in my soul thirsting to go deeper -- roots of faith, roots of endurance, roots of trust in God and His Big Picture. I'm feeling the work, almost as though I am literally digging through the rocky soil that is common where we live. More layers of a hard heart to be broken? I feel it has softened over the years, but it's all too easy to harden it again in self-protection, in retreat, in fear, in hopelessness, in feelings of entitlement of wanting life to be easier, cuz you know, sometimes it just hurts and sometimes it's just hard.

Hm. This makes me think of Elder Lund's talk from this past general conference (which I was thinking about earlier tonite, before thinking about writing this post, and which my husband was listening to as well). Hm.

In his talk, he says:
[T]he condition of our hearts directly affects our sensitivity to spiritual things. Let us make it a part of our everyday striving to open our hearts to the Spirit. Since we are the guardians of our hearts, we can choose to do so. We choose what we let in or hold out. Fortunately the Lord is anxious to help us choose wisely.

There are so many ways I close my heart. I have felt that gate open and close much through the past few weeks. I'm going to ponder this more, because I need the roots in my heart to be deep and strong and firm, and that will only come through the Spirit as I open my heart in spite of the hard stuff.


SilverRain said...

*insert hugs here*
It is such a painful process to analyze these sorts of things. You know where to find me, if you need to talk!

Ginny said...

It's funny because i have been feeling that same sense of desire/urgency to give more to my kids with significant intensity this week. hmmm...digging....

Rosalie Erekson Stone said...

Thanks for opening your heart to write this post, m&m. I'm sure it resonates with all who read it.

Even though I understand intellectually that we are apt to face more opposition and temptations as we progress in our spiritual journey, the emotional burdens that sometimes accompany my growth process continue to surprise me.

We may think those kinds of burdens should become easier to bear as we have more faith, and become more in tune with the Spirit. Sometimes that is not the case. I guess the analogy of the refiner's fire can help us realize that increasing the heat way beyond a "comfort zone" really is necessary in order to achieve the desired results!

And although we can allow the Lord and other people to help us bear our burdens, complete relief is often deferred indefinitely. We learn patience and hope. We trust that we will indeed be strengthened to bear what we must--and the strength inevitably comes.

As you said, "sometimes it just hurts and sometimes it's just hard." I'm glad that you do have friends you can call. I think blogging can help, too.

For me, a good cry often clears more than my sinuses. It can help me open my mind and heart enough to wash away negative, fearful, critical, prideful, or self-pitying thoughts; and then to receive and welcome the comfort and peace which the Spirit offers even in the midst of present trials.

May an abundance of that peace be in your heart, even in the midst of your challenges.

Anonymous said...

Stretching feels better after the muscles heal. Hoping you find an extra measure of peace.

Papa D said...

Thanks for this post, m&m - and roann, for your comment.

Mary A said...

Good post, m&m! I feel much the same at times. Roann's comment was very good, too. It helps to know we aren't alone with our struggles, even though our struggles may not be quite like anyone else's. The basic feelings are much the same.

Thanks for sharing your insights.

Ginny said...

thinking of you today!