Saturday, July 22, 2006

Just to report....

It is tomorrow (well, actually it's a little into the tomorrow after tomorrow, but I'm still awake so it's not tomorrow yet). AND I EXERCISED TODAY! Yeah for me! (I also had a bite of ice cream that I bought at the end of our date. Yes, we actually had a date tonight. Saw "My Fair Lady" on an outdoor stage. It was delightful.)

Friday, July 21, 2006

Ice cream is good for you, too, right?

Well, it's wind-down-at-night time for me yet again. The days whir's another weekend. I swear the older I get the faster time goes.

I was really going to exercise tonight, but now I'm afraid if I do I will have an even harder time than usual falling asleep. So I'm eating ice cream instead. :) (Sad to think I used to jog 4-6 miles a day, 6 days a week. And then I had children. Ah, well, they are worth it. I am determined to get back into some sort of exercise regimen however. There's always tomorrow....)

Thursday, July 06, 2006

I Forgot to Remember

So, I just barely started this blog, and, all in all, I think so far it has been pretty depressing. Sorry for that. I guess that is because the last month has been a tough one in many ways. I've had some super-fun things to do, but I haven't felt good and that sometimes takes its toll on my emotional state. But today, I'm doing better. It helped to wake up on my own (yesterday, I was awakened out of a deep sleep and never recovered from that hit-by-a-truck feeling). And I had a little jolt of the Spirit last night while I was reading my scriptures (while walking on the treadmill -- are you impressed?) :)

I read through 2 Nephi 4, which has always been a favorite of mine (especially when I'm feeling down on myself and frustrated about my weaknesses, as I was yesterday). And then, "somehow," I ended up in Helaman 5. Verse 12 has been a constant favorite since I discovered that scripture in Seminary. (I even chose it as our class theme when I was Laurel president way back when, if that tells you anything.)

And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

First of all, I have always been intrigued by this word "remember" -- and by how many ways the Lord tries to help us remember. Repetition is a key part of the gospel. We go to Church every week to partake of the sacrament. We discuss each of the standard works every four years in Sunday School. The temple ordinances are the same each time, and are repetitious by design. And so it goes.

But, ya know what? I've forgotten. Somehow, in the flurry of activities the past while, and in the daily slogging I've done in the face of feeling yucky, I've forgotten. I'm ashamed to say it, but I've not had myself founded on Christ. It's not that I haven't thought good gospel thoughts and done good things and tried to be good. I have. But I haven't really remembered Christ specifically, especially these past couple of weeks. I've been worried about my parenting. I've been consumed with the projects and activities I've had pressing on me. I've been doing the stuff of life. But the Savior hasn't really been on the radar screen as He needs to be.

Now, I fully admit that I'm not exactly sure what it means to build my foundation on the rock of Christ. But in the instant that I read (and then re-read) this verse, I realized that something needs to change. And I think that when it does, I will feel better. Actually, just realizing -- just remembering -- that I need to remember the Savior more brought a little light to my soul. And a surge of hope -- especially when considering the promises contained in that scripture that "when [notice he says "when" and not "if"] the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo." NO POWER. Wow. What a promise! But that's not all. We are promised that we "cannot fall" if we are built on the rock of our Savior.

How are you feeling in your life? Have there been storms and winds and lightning and despair? If so, go read Helaman 5:12. And remember.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

The Pain of Imperfection

One of the most difficult things for me is to be faced with a responsibility so important that someone else's life and soul are on the line, and to realize that I can't possibly fulfill my role without imperfection. I felt it as a missionary; the work was far too important for someone as flawed as I to do. And yet, there I was. Called of God, even. But nearly paralyzed by my imperfections.

Now, more than a decade later, the pain of my imperfection is sometimes nearly unbearable as I am now a parent. A parent of three of the most amazing, life- and light-filled souls you will ever meet. Why on earth would God send them to me? My heart weeps. (My eyes, too.) My soul, today, lingers in the "valley of sorrow" and my strength slackens. I have felt this before. Yes, Nephi described it well. Sometimes the pain causes my flesh to feel that it may somehow "waste away." Have I committed some terrible sin against them? No, but the sin of imperfection is enough to sometimes grind me nearly to a halt. I'm still not used to failing every day like I do as a parent.

I've never dealt well with my weaknesses. I've always been a perfectionist, and I know that's not a good thing. But oh, how I long to be perfect for the sake of my children. But it is not to be. My imperfections are part of His plan. Part of my plan. Part of their plan. In their innocence, they forgive, because they are children. Someday, as all children do, they will grow enough to know of my weaknesses. And that will be woven into the tapestry of their lives and become part of their trials. What then? I must learn to turn the pain to Christ somehow, just as they will. Only He can heal the pain that is inevitable in our families, in even the best of families. I need to trust that the Atonement can even save them from me. Save me from myself.