Criticism of Church Leaders: Is it ever a good thing? (updated)

This was supposed to be a response to a recent comment on my blog, but got far too long, so I'm pulling it out as a separate post. Please withhold judgment on the post until you have read the whole thing. I think Elder Oaks gives us some really, really good insight on how we truly can make a positive difference in the Church.

p.s. This is one of those posts that deals with the "rule" not the exception. I know some people have their horror stories about leaders, but I think there is value in focusing on the rule, not the exception. And, you will note that Elder Oaks gives guidance about how to deal with potential problems or differences that can arise, so this isn't just a post about blind following 100% of the time. Again, it contains wise counsel about how to deal with differences in an appropriate way. Lastly, I think there are different viewpoints out there of what "criticism" means. I sense that Elder Oaks' use of the word as truly speaking evil of a leader, truly (and publicly) criticizing him/her. I think it's possible that there might be a different word he would use for "feedback." I think I can believe in the value of feedback without upholding criticism as acceptable.

I submit that there may be more than meets the eye on the issue of criticism and why it is discouraged in the Church. There is more to consider than just the process of "There is an idea out there that somehow our leaders will benefit from our criticism, but there is more to consider. Elder Oaks spoke clearly on this:

I have given the following counsel to Church members—those who have committed themselves by upraised hands to sustain their church leaders:

“Criticism is particularly objectionable when it is directed toward Church authorities, general or local. Jude condemns those who ‘speak evil of dignities.’ (Jude 1:8.) Evil speaking of the Lord’s anointed is in a class by itself. It is one thing to depreciate a person who exercises corporate power or even government power. It is quite another thing to criticize or depreciate a person for the performance of an office to which he or she has been called of God. It does not matter that the criticism is true. As Elder George F. Richards, President of the Council of the Twelve, said in a conference address in April 1947,

“ ‘When we say anything bad about the leaders of the Church, whether true or false, we tend to impair their influence and their usefulness and are thus working against the Lord and his cause.’ (In Conference Report, Apr. 1947, p. 24.)” (Address to Church Educational System teachers, Aug. 16, 1985.)...

The counsel against speaking evil of Church leaders is not so much for the benefit of the leaders as it is for the spiritual well-being of members who are prone to murmur and find fault. The Church leaders I know are durable people. They made their way successfully in a world of unrestrained criticism before they received their current callings. They have no personal need for protection; they seek no personal immunities from criticism—constructive or destructive. They only seek to declare what they understand to be the word of the Lord to his people.

Everyone will obviously take his or her own approach, but I think Elder Oaks' counsel is really significant. I have found that I don't feel the Spirit with me as much when I have a critical spirit. Of course that applies to criticism of anyone, but I feel it's particularly offensive to the Spirit when I criticize those whom I sustain and who are called of God. It affects my spirituality, without question. When I trust them, even when I don't agree or don't understand, there is a power, a confidence, that comes into my life. It becomes an anchor that makes a tremendous difference for me personally, for my family. I believe MORE good would come about in the Church if there was more sustaining of and following our leaders -- not because we think they are always right, but because we believe that sustaining them is right. Perhaps they don't need our feedback as much as they need our hearts. (Does this mean I think that everyone who ever says anything against them is an apostate? No. But I believe this is something that can and would make a difference at the individual, familial and institutional levels.)

I am particularly struck by Elder Oaks' comment that it doesn't matter if what we say is true; criticism of church leaders is always a negative.

But does that mean that feedback can never be shared, or that there aren't things to do when there really is an thought about something that can be improved? NO. Elder Oaks continues to help us understand the characteristics of appropriate behavior and how we handle differences in the Church:

Our Father in Heaven has not compelled us to think the same way on every subject or procedure. [This isn't about being cookie cuttered people, or blind followers!] As we seek to accomplish our life’s purposes, we will inevitably have differences with those around us—including some of those we sustain as our leaders. The question is not whether we have such differences, but how we manage them. [Emphasis mine.] What the Lord has said on another subject is also true of the management of differences with his leaders: “It must needs be done in mine own way.” [I think this is so significant!] (D&C 104:16.) We should conduct ourselves in such a way that our thoughts and actions do not cause us to lose the companionship of the Spirit of the Lord.

The first principle in the gospel procedure for managing differences is to keep our personal differences private. In this we have worthy examples to follow. Every student of Church history knows that there have been differences of opinion among Church leaders since the Church was organized. Each of us has experienced such differences in our work in auxiliaries, quorums, wards, stakes, and missions of the Church. We know that such differences are discussed, but not in public. Counselors acquiesce in the decisions of their president. Teachers follow the direction of their presidency. Members are loyal to the counsel of their bishop. All of this is done quietly and loyally—even by members who would have done differently if they had been in the position of authority.

Why aren’t these differences discussed in public? Public debate—the means of resolving differences in a democratic government—is not appropriate in our Church government. We are all subject to the authority of the called and sustained servants of the Lord. They and we are all governed by the direction of the Spirit of the Lord, and that Spirit only functions in an atmosphere of unity. That is why personal differences about Church doctrine or procedure need to be worked out privately. There is nothing inappropriate about private communications concerning such differences, provided they are carried on in a spirit of love."

Sustaining our leaders doesn't mean we won't have differences of opinion, but it does mean we will seek to handle those differences in the Lord's way.

Elder Oaks then lists five options we have:
1. Overlook the difference
2. Reserve judgment and postpone action, in a spirit of patience and trust [I like to use the phrase "benefit of the doubt"]
3. Take up differences privately with the leader (in a private meeting or a letter or other correspondence)
4. In cases of alleged wrong behavior, communicate with the person who is in a position could correct the offending party if that is needed (e.g., talk to a Stake President for issues with a bishop, etc.)
5. Pray. Pray that the Lord can correct the situation and pray for ourselves to discern if we are truly correct in our point of view.

Today's world is full of the idea that we are somehow obligated (and/or entitled) to voice our opinions: we protest, we write public letters to the editor, we rant and rave, we debate issues online, etc. etc. etc. But the Lord asks us to handle problems or perceived problems in the Church differently -- for the benefit of His work and also for our own benefit. This doesn't preclude the potential for feedback, but, can help prevent the spirit of contention, pride and unnecessary criticism from entering the situation, and keep us more open to the influence of the Spirit.

Cheney and Criticism; Panel Discussion on Cheney and the War

There's a story on BYU's newsnet site that talks about a Q&A with Pres. Samuelson that was recently held. Not surprisingly, the topic of Cheney's visit came up, directly and indirectly. I was interested in the following:

One question prompted President Samuelson to clarify the appropriateness of criticizing university decisions.

Students commit, by signing the Honor Code, not to criticize those we sustain as prophets, seers and revelators, he said. But, he further explained, this doesn't mean students can't disagree with the administration.

"I think you need to understand that you can criticize the administration; that does happen regularly," he said.

Draw your own conclusions on that.

As an FYI, another story I read today says that there will be a panel discussion on Monday on “Vice President Cheney and the Global War on Terror” in the Varsity Theater from 2 to 3:30 p.m. The public is invited to attend if interested.

The story I read says the following:

Each panelist will present a short statement, to be followed by panel discussion. After the panel speaks, the floor will be open for audience questions.

Jeff Ringer, director of the David M. Kennedy Center, will moderate the panel. Joining him will be Darren G. Hawkins, international relations coordinator; Donna Lee Bowen, Middle East Studies/Arabic coordinator; Ralph C. Hancock; and Scott Cooper.

An Open Apology: After all, words can hurt

I was touched by a recent example of humility on one of the open threads during Conference, while Elder Holland was giving his bold and powerful talk. A person who had made sharp comments simply apologized. It actually brought tears to my eyes, in part because some of those sharp comments had caused me some pain. I was touched at this person's willingness to simply, quickly, and publicly apologize. I felt a healing in my heart because of this simple action.

Elder Holland's talk, that person's example, and recent experiences in my life have all combined to make me want to just say, "I'm sorry" if I have ever said anything or engaged in a way that caused you pain. It feels a bit weird to do it in this general way, but it's all I can do at this point.

This realm is so very limited, and I'm sorry when I too easily forget how much pain people might bring with them when they choose to come here. As much as people appear to be strong and ready to engage in lively discussion, I am reminded that often people come online with "sorrow that the eye can't see." I realize not everyone does, but there are enough who do. And I fear somewhere along the way the past year, my words may have inadvertently caused pain for someone already struggling. Although I make a concerted effort not to comment out of anger, frustration, or a spirit of criticism, I realize that even without the intent to inflict pain, words can still hurt.

If this has ever been the case with you, if my words have ever caused you pain, I am truly sorry, and I pray you can forgive me.

Reflections on Conference

While some thoughts are still fresh, I wanted to record some of what struck me from conference (with no order...more stream-of-consciousness)....

- (An addition to my original list): I am amazed at how simple the gospel really is. Just consider what kind of people we would be if we really put into practice what we have been taught: forgiveness, repentance, covenantal marriage, testimony, controlled communication with others, gratitude....) Really, sometimes I think we look for "some new thing" rather than realizing the power of simple gospel principles to bring us to Christ and to allow Him to change our minds and hearts.
- I noticed a lot on prayer, both directly and indirectly. I feel that improving my prayers, increasing quantity and sincerity is something I need to do.
- There were several wonderful and powerful testimonies about the Restoration.
- I loved Sister Parkin's talk on gratitude. I also appreciated how she began it, talking of how blessed we are as women in the Church (and now I read that she channeled Eliza R. Snow...an example of a woman of spirituality, strength and perspective). [I recently wrote on a quote of hers.] I suspect that the more gratitude we have, the more we will feel that as daughters of God. I was humbled by her testimony and counsel, and feel I have a long way to go in being grateful, even in trials.
- That ties into Elder Holland's words about being "of good cheer" -- a commandment! I'm not so good at that when I don't feel good. Lately, I've been struggling with not feeling gloomy about feeling yucky day after day. I need to do better there. There is so much to be grateful for!
- And, along with that, I felt an urgency in the last session about repentance, and not procrastinating such. I felt the need to use every day to prepare to meet the Lord. (A side thought for me is how trials are there to help us with that, so I need to meet my trials head-on...which ties into the last two points for me). (My husband is reminding me of something Elder Eyring said a couple of years ago...that it is going to become harder, not easier, to keep our covenants. So we'd better be about figuring out how to better do that so we can be on firm ground as the world keeps ripening in iniquity.)
- I was tempted for a moment to zone out a bit on the talk on tithing...after all, I have been a full tithe-payer my whole life. I'm grateful I kept focused (felt a nudge to do so) because one of the most moving stories from Conference was that from Elder Kikuchi. I was reminded of the powerful story of the saints in St. George who were admonished by Pres. Lorenzo Snow to pay their tithing, and that they would be blessed in their time of drought. Here, we have a modern version of the same pattern. I felt the Spirit very strongly during that story.
- Elder Holland's words on words will stay with me for a long time. There will always be improvement in that area to be had, I'm afraid. After all, using scripture he said we could be perfect if we could control our tongues! I loved the way he ended talking of having the tongue of angels. If only I allow the Spirit to help me in the use of the tongue, I can be more perfect in Christ.
- Elder Anderson's talk was great: "The gospel's true, isn't it?" If that is the case, then nothing else matters! Reading someone else's notes from this: "The gospel is true, isn’t it? Then what else matters? We must simplify and sacrifice, distinguishing between what is nice, what is important, and what is absolutely necessary." Powerful, powerful stuff. Simple and powerful.
- Also from those same notes (thanks, Christian!): "Knowing what is right that others think is wrong, and what is wrong that others think is right, requires a testimony. Especially for those born in the Church, it may not be spectacular. One must respond to feelings from the Holy Ghost rather than nailing down every intellectual loose end." How often I would love to yell that from the rooftops when reading or participating in online discussions. :)
- Pres. Faust's talk on forgiveness was stirring. He has such a tender heart anyway, but I've never seen him fight with his emotions as he did today. The examples he gave were truly inspirational, and gave me food for thought. I sometimes have a hard time letting go of hurt and clearly I need to do better there. I've always loved the thought that he shared about leaving room for forgiveness, but I'm also reminded that the faster we get there, the better off we will be. I think it's really a worldly fallacy that we should hold onto bad feelings for some purpose. The Lord really can help us let go if we let Him, for I have experienced that. And yet, I still fight it! (What's up with that? That natural (wo)man thing....)
- When Elder Dahlquist gave his talk on "Who's on the Lord's Side, Who?" I and my daughters yelled out "I am!" I love the doctrine that if we stay on the Lord's side, the devil cannot have power over us. My children find comfort in the fact that the devil isn't more powerful than the Savior, and that our choices can determine how much influence he has in our lives. This talk reinforced that so beautifully, and it was fun to see them make that connection in their little minds (big spirits).
- Elder Nelson on repentance: "the prize is worth the price."
- I need to read the Bible more!
- I appreciated Elder Oaks' talk on divorce. I wept while thinking of loved ones in my life who suffered much in their marriages and waited on the Lord who led them to finally leave (those situations where abuse is continued and unrepented of). I know this happens because I have seen it. And yet, I think it's such an important message for most of us that covenant marriages require commitment. And that is also sometimes easier said than done. But I think "the prize is worth the price" can apply here, too. It's too easy to think working through a marriage is too hard, and I appreciated his solemn reminder that usually, staying in a marriage and working through that tough climb to marital harmony is a lot better than dealing with the fallout of divorce. (We listened to the talk again tonite. Those concerned about women staying in abusive marriages should really pay attention to how he comparmentalizes his counsel. He makes that exception first, but then spends the rest of the time on the rule, and that is important to remember, IMO.)
- I want to use the hymns more in our home.
- Pres. Packer's talk was stirring...such a testimony of the truth received from prophets (as shared in the tabernacle). It was moving to think of early church leaders testifying and teaching there. Imagine what they must think to see how the word of the Lord is spread today!
- I want to be a pickle! :)
- One of the thoughts I had is that it must be something else to have a church with such breadth as ours...internationally and also experientially with respect to the church. What may be an oft-repeated topic for me might be a first-time talk for someone who just joined the Church. And, as was reiterated to me with Elder Kikuchi's talk on tithing, there are things to be gleaned for all of us, regardless of how long we have been in the Church. Even though their words are for the whole church, with the help of the Spirit, they can be personal and meaningful.
- I've been thinking a lot about the role of history in our Church, and Elder Tingey helped show us that there is much in our history that is meaningful and useful. [On the other hand, there are aspects of our history that aren't as necessary for us to focus on. What matters most is to focus on that which inspires, edifies and changes our lives.]
- I can't wait to hear the concluding song of the priesthood session! Ron Staheli is a talented man. I will always be grateful for the chance to sing in one of the choirs at BYU way back when (I was in Women's Chorus, and had a couple of chances to sing under Drs. Staheli and Wilberg. I still get chills whenever I hear a Wilberg arrangement. It was great to hear his "Redeemer of Israel" which I got to sing in General Conference when Elder Holland (then BYU President) was first called to be a General Authority.)
- I have to say that I was so impressed with my children. I don't know that I really listened to Saturday sessions until I was well into my teenage years. They really paid a lot of attention both days. They really are like little spiritual sponges. I also just love being home and sharing this time together.

That's enough for now, I think. :)

There's Hope for Clutterbugs Like Me!

This news piece made me smile. I especially liked this:

"We all function at different levels," says Organize By Design owner Jamie Tabish. "Some people do fine with piles. Some people do fine with things all over. Perhaps it's because internally they're very well organized, and their environment doesn't affect them as much."

So, that's it. I must be very internally well-organized. :)

Seriously, though, I have been bothered through the years with this standard "out there" that you have to have a clean house to be a good woman (a good member of the Church?) It may sound like a cop-out, but I don't have much of a knack for cleaning. I never have. That's not to say that I don't want to try to do what I can and that I shouldn't try to find ways to make improvements. But considering my lack of natural knack and chronic illness issues, it was nice to hear a "professional organizer" say that it's possible for me to still have some semblance of order in my chaos. I've never really had any expert give me permission to not be perfect in this way. So that article was a bit liberating for me. I've got enough I feel inadequate about that I don't need to feel like a hopeless failure because I'm not the best housekeeper in the world. After all, there's more to making a home than just cleaning, right?

And, you know what? I really can find things in my mess. It's when I clean that I lose stuff. :)

Innocence is Short-lived These Days

This was a poignant account from a mom about dealing with her children's questions and concerns (and her own concerns) when lesbians moved in next door. It's impossible to read this and not acknowledge that homosexuality can and does have an effect on children. At the very least, the story demonstrates the fact that innocence certainly doesn't have the life span that it used to, and that the ideological wars of adults often put children unwittingly in the crosshairs.

(Hat tip to Times and Seasons' sidebar for the link.)

Gay Rights vs. Parental Rights

I have been known to express concerns about the movement to push forward gay rights. This issue is always so tricky to discuss. It's not just "an issue" -- on either side, it involves real people with real concerns. Let me make it clear that I realize this. This issue is not far from my own life, as I have loved ones who live the often diffucult life of a homosexual. I know a little of the struggle that this can be, especially when compounded by a religious faith that doesn't support such a lifestyle. I am not cold-hearted about this, and yet I have strong feelings about the topic.

Some want to claim that anyone who takes a position against gay marriage is hateful, lacks compassion, and wants to force religion on other people. I think this is unfair. We need to be able to talk about the issue respectfully, and I rarely see that done. I also think that the issue is not as clear-cut and innocuous as gay rights supporters want to make it out to be, and this is something I want to address.

I thought I would share some of the reasons why I am concerned about the momentum gay rights are gaining in our country. To sum up some of my concerns: I think they might in fact be threatening the rights of others. In this post, my focus is on parental rights, particularly as they relate to school curriculum. If I can pull other thoughts together, I might address other concerns such as free speech and religious rights in future posts. (This is as much for me to clarify and consolidate my thoughts as it is to share them, so if all this does is boil your blood, perhaps you should just stop reading now. :) )

In Massachusetts (one of the states leading out in support of gay rights), U.S. District Judge Mark L. Wolf ruled that: "The constitutional right of parents to raise their children does not include the right to restrict what a public school may teach their children." Children as young as five (!!) have been exposed to information or concepts related to homosexuality, and parents have been told they cannot even opt their children out of such classroom teaching. They are basically told, "take it or leave it." Shouldn't taxpayers at one level, and parents especially, have some input or influence over school curriculum? Apparently not when it comes to homosexuality. (You can read the judge's written opinion here.)

(I wonder: Would the judge or the school demand that a parent "take it or leave it" if they were concerned about elements of the math curriculum or some other subject that doesn't involve such a hot-button topic? I have to doubt that they would....)

I find it interesting, though, that the same restrictions on parental rights don't seem to hold if generic religion is ever brought into the curriculum, even indirectly. Parents can protest such supposed
"offensive exposure" (think Pledge of Allegiance, for example), but when it comes to religious parents wanting to opt out of indoctrination that violates their religious beliefs, then the rights are restricted. I fear that the religion of the secular often gets favored status when it comes to "rights" -- and often at the expense of the rights of others.

I'm not thrilled that we have removed God from our schools and our public language. But I can understand wanting to give people the right to believe as they do and not make others' points of view feel "forced" on them. But then this needs to be consistent. I expect that I and my children should be offered the same right, including opting out of offensive teaching without being told to "hit the road." If we are going to protect those who don't believe and don't want their children exposed to religious belief, we ought to protect those who do believe and don't want to be exposed to things that violate their religious beliefs.

Another concerning situation has been discovered in Illinois. Freshman students at Deerfield High School were asked to sign a confidentiality agreement committing to keep secret the content in a "Freshman Advisory" class. They were told they couldn't even tell their parents! Students who didn't want to sign were basically pressured to do so (although apprently at least one student signed the document only after altering it). Apparently the content of this class around this time was focused on the gay agenda. (More information can be found here and here.)

Incidentally, giving a legal contract to a minor is illegal, so this agreement was either against the law or not legally binding. But would students know this (either way)? The contract surely appeared legal to these students, if not at least threatening. Clearly this was an effort to control and intimidate students to submit them to homosexual activism -- and then to deliberately hide it from the parents!

Apparently, this freshman class has also been used to teach about deviant heterosexual behavior. (Nevermind the fact that this is offensive content to many parents for a moment -- I fail to see what the academic justification for this is!) As parents and other concerned citizens started to realize that this class might not be something they wanted their youth to have, they requested to see copies of the materials for the class. Legally, this information should be accessible (per Illinois state law), but is kept behind a private portal of some sort. These requests for access to the class information have been denied.

Sooo.... Some questions I have swimming in my mind are these:

-If the gay agenda were simply about love and respect for all, why is there such deception and illegal and inappropriate control mingled with it? (NOTE: I speak collectively and not individually. I'm sure there are some who really only care about their personal lives and getting the rights they want. I am not addressing these people, but rather those who are behind such actions and motives as the above.)
-Why does this agenda include such devious efforts to get children exposed to and swayed by the bias of people who really have no right to tread on ground that is considered sacred to many? (Their motives seem highly suspect here and I think I could pretty accurately guess what their thinking is. And I am deeply concerned that they are willing to pull unsuspecting children into their battle. I still can't get over the fact that school officials, teachers, counselors, whoever would have the gall to demand that students be dishonest with their parents, knowing that many would be opposed to what was happening. I should add, too, that students who oppose such things are ostracized by other students. Where is the protection for them when they are harassed? Such harassment is never allowed toward gays. Again, another example of double standards with all of this.)
- What logic do gay rights activists hold to if, in their clamoring for rights they are willing to push the rights of religious people whose views differ to the side?
- If gay rights' activists protest the government's involvement in marriage and family life, why are they not bothered by the government's interference in the teaching of children on topics that for many are deeply religious -- a key element of their family life? The state's growing religion of secularism appears to me to be increasingly forced (without choice!) on more and more children. The whole reason for separation of Church and state as I understand it is to prevent compulsory, across-the-board indoctrination on religious principles. Since this issue involves religious principles for so many, a forced preaching of homosexuality seems to violate that principle in my mind. (Although I'm certainly no lawyer.) :)

In conclusion, it is very difficult for me to believe those who say that the gay rights movement doesn't or won't harm anyone, when from where I sit, I think they have already caused trouble. I can't help but think this is only the beginning of such trouble if we continue to let gay rights dictate the decisions made about what is and is not legal and appropriate. I think there is more to this issue than meets the eye.

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A note about comments: I realize this is an issue many people are tired of discussing. If that describes you, please feel free to ignore what I have said. It might be better if you do. :) I also realize how strongly people can feel about this topic. I respectfully ask that any comments be about the information and the situations I have brought up, and not include personal attacks or bullying. If you have evidence to counter my concerns, by all means, feel free to share. I don't pretend to have a full understanding of this issue.

I do moderate comments. Inflammatory, attacking comments will either be edited or left out entirely. I don't expect that everyone will agree, and I'm open to listening to any point of view as long as it keeps on the topic at hand and I feel it remains respectful. Thank you.

Lehi's tent

I'm having a lot of fun mulling over Lehi's tent with a group of people at a new blog called BoM Groupies. I thought I would include some of my thoughts here that I included in a couple of comments there. (This will help me keep better track of what I'm thinking about and studying, too.) ;) (I don't want to distract from comments over there, though, so you can join in over at the BoM blog if you want to comment....)

Short summary: I read something from a BYU Studies on a CD I have about what has been called the axis mundi. Think "center" and "symbolic (and maybe literal) connection with heaven and earth" -- a place in a city (or a city) that was the center of religious, social, political and economic life. I'm particularly interested in the spiritual center, which often included a temple/place for religious ritual. Part of this was to suggest that Lehi's tent was actually like a temple. What I have studied is convincing me that this may very well be the case.

So here are some of my thoughts:

It struck me that this concept of axis mundi and the tent and what we are discussing relates directly to core (”central”) doctrines (many of which are covered by Isaiah):

-a standard (In Bedouin life, “A white flag,” we are told, “is sometimes hoisted above his tent to guide strangers and visitors. All visitors are led directly to the tent of the [sheikh].” (Thanks, Hugh Nibley (anyone opposed to Hugh Nibley around here?)
- gathering … the tent was a gathering place, a hub, especially for family but also for those invited to be with (to “have place” with) the family (this will be fun to discuss when we get to Zoram)
- councils, talking, teaching — this is a place where a lot of discussion and decision takes place
- Family — closely related to the previous two elements
- revelation (this was discussed in that quote I included above, as well as in other comments already made)
- temple-related elements (altars, sacrifice, teaching, ….that whole bridging the gap between heaven and earth)
— and, of course, the purpose of temples is two-fold 1) to gather us to Christ and to teach of the Atonement and bring the saving and cleansing power of the Atonement into our lives and 2) to gather us as families, and as the family of God
- refuge — the tent provided protection and refuge. Lots of potential symbolism there.


“And my father dwelt in a tent.” I’m beginning to think there is MUCH to learn from that little phrase. (I also think this all ties into the comment about the three things Lehi brought with him…family, tents, provisions (gotta live in this mortal sphere even as we are on a spiritual journey, right?)) Lots to learn, methinks. So fun to mull over.


Fleshing out a bit more about what happened in scriptures around the concept of the tent.

1 Nephi 2:6-7 -- sacrifices mentioned right after the tent is mentioned.

[Note also that teaching is mentioned in vs. 9 and 10. Although we don't know if time passed between the offering and the teaching, I like to see the combination of ritual and teaching together. Teaching can go with revelation above, perhaps.]

1 Nephi 3:1-2
Nephi returns to the tent after receiving revelation (he returns to the tent prepared?), and a discussion ensues about the revelation Lehi just received. I would assert that because of Nephi's preparation, he can accept the word of his father/the prophet as revealed with a soft heart, whereas the pattern of Laman and Lemuel's rebellion continues.

I see family, gathering, council/counsel and even temple application here (we should come to the temple with soft hearts, prepared to receive instruction (hard though it may be sometimes...and it will be less hard if our hearts are softened).

1 Nephi 5:7

The first thing he mentions about returning with the scriptures is that he goes to the tent. Again, family, gathering, revelation. (Sariah finally gets her testimony of her husband's prophetic calling at this time.) Comfort is also mentioned. Love that.

And, again, they offer sacrifices:
1 Nephi 5:9


1 Nephi 7:5 (also v. 21)

Ishmael and his family join the family of Lehi, and where do are they headed? To the tent! (Note that this happens after Ismael's heart was softened! Pattern there of a softened heart and going to the tent?) The tent was the focus, the destination, as they journeyed. It was what was on Nephi's mind. Interesting. (Temple, center of our thoughts? Our destination? Our focus?)

And look at 1 Nephi 7:22

There it is again!!!...gospel rituals right after the tent is mentioned.

1 Nephi 9:1

Revelation -- this comes after Lehi's vision. So a key vision that we still cling to today was received "as he dwelt in a tent." (Wish we knew what else he saw!)

1 Nephi 10:15-16

More prophecy and revelation!

v. 17 also is interesting to me...Nephi again seeks revelation. Ch. 2 and 3 shows Nephi receiving his revelation and softened heart, and then he goes to the tent. This chapter takes Nephi from the tent of teaching, and seeking revelation. So, I see going prepared to the tent and being ready to receive more, and coming away from the tent ready to seek confirmation and revelation.

And here he is again...receiving revelation and returning to the tent of his father immediately after. I sense a tight connection between Nephi and the tent and his father/the prophet.
1 Nephi 15:1
1 AND it came to pass that after I, Nephi, had been carried away in the spirit, and seen all these things, I returned to the tent of my father.

I wonder if this is significant:
1 Nephi 16:6-7
Tent and marriage right next to each other? Hmmmmm.....

And then Lehi receives the Liahona in v. 10. Does the temple help us receive our guiding Liahona, that gives us guidance according to our heed, faith and diligence?

Well, I'm very intrigued by the patterns I'm seeing. I think my thought is that the tent is significant. :)

(And here is some of that info from the BYU Studies article.)

This is a fun discussion! (Thanks again for letting me know about this blog, Isaiahsfan! I do hope that I’m not intruding in discussions among longtime friends.)

This discussion about Lehi’s tent brought to mind some things I had read a couple of years ago about the “axis mundi.” This reference will be long, but I hope it’s interesting to you as it was to me. (If this is too cumbersome, please let me know how it might be better to share information in the future.)

I included more than just what relates to Lehi’s tent because I think it can possibly shed light on patterns in the OT as well (and also the ancient elements of the BoM). Might it also shed light on the importance of “centers” and temples in the latter days. ?? Food for thought, anyway.

Ancient world civilizations believed that the perceived order of territorial environment, in its “natural” and built-up features, revealed the structure of a sacred universe. The epitome of this symbolic order was a capital city or ceremonial center. “In those religions which held that human order was brought into being at the creation of the world there was a pervasive tendency to dramatize the cosmogony by constructing on earth a reduced version of the cosmos, usually in the form of a state capital.”

The specific features of this model of spatial organization vary from culture to culture but can be generally expressed in terms of three principles: centripetality, cardinality, and inductance. Centripetality is the notion that terrestrial space was created from and ordered by an “existentially centered point.” This center or “navel of the earth” was considered to be the point of contact between heaven and earth [this is a point that I find very interesting to this discussion], the most elevated place on earth and the point at which the creation of the earth began. The construction of a temple or other holy sanctuary celebrated the sacredness of the axis mundi. Rituals and other observances were performed in those holy places to preserve the parallelism of the macrocosmos (heaven) and the microcosmos (earth). Natural, political or social catastrophe often succeeded in dislocating the axis mundi. When this occurred, the holy of holies was likely relocated to another site declared auspicious by the ritual leader of the group.

[This gives some historical background; the author’s purpose was largely to show the ancient roots of the BoM. Following is the connection with Lehi’s tent.]

One of the recurring themes in the Book of Mormon is the establishment and maintenance of a centralized social and territorial order. The Book of Mormon narrative opens in Old Jerusalem during the reign of Zedekiah with the minor prophet Lehi preaching that the city of the Jews is about to be destroyed because of the wickedness of its inhabitants. The citizens respond by trying to kill Lehi; consequently, he flees with his family into the wilderness. They do not leave, however, without first receiving the promise of being guided by God to another land of promise, “a land choice above all other lands,” to establish another axis mundi.

Having abandoned their traditional, though profaned, sanctuary, Lehi’s company constructs a temporary axis in the wilderness: Lehi’s tent. That Lehi “dwelt in a tent” is mentioned fourteen times in the desert narrative and appears at critical events in the historical sequence: after Lehi reported his “dream of the tree of life” and after Nephi reported his vision of the promised land (1 Ne. 8:11-14); after Lehi’s sons acquired the Hebrew scriptures from a corrupt religious leader in Jerusalem and after additional refugees from Jerusalem joined Lehi’s company (1 Ne. 4; 7:1-5); and on the occasion of essential observances of the Mosaic law (1 Ne. 2:6-7; 6:7-9; 7:22). Lehi’s tent thus secured contact with the heavens, despite the nomadic existence of his following, and allowed him and his people to continue in confidence toward the promised land.
Steven L. Olsen; BYU Studies Vol. 23, No. 1, pg.82

Since we are in ch. 2, note what happened right after he pitched the tent:
6 And it came to pass that when he had traveled three days in the wilderness, he pitched his tent in a valley by the side of a river of water.
7 And it came to pass that he built an altar of stones, and made an offering unto the Lord, and gave thanks unto the Lord our God.

A bit more on this as we look forward toward more readings in the BoM (from the same source, a couple of pages further on) :

The image of the center as a holy mountain was also established early in and maintained throughout the Book of Mormon. In relation to the wilderness Jerusalem was always “up,” while the wilderness in relation to Jerusalem was either “down” or “into” (1 Ne. 3-7, passim). Once in the promised land, the people always went “up” to the temple and to the “lands of our first inheritance” (Jacob 2:11; Mosiah 1:18; 2:1-11; 7:2-4; 20:7; 28:1; 29:3; Alma 17:8; 20:2; 24:20; 26:23). Finally, the elevated status of the kingdom of God was emphasized in millennial imagery and ecstatic experiences, such as Nephi’s vision of the promised land (1 Ne. 11:21; 17:7). In the nearly thousand-year period that this civilization occupied the promised land, four successive centers were established–Lehi, Nephi, Zarahemla, and Bountiful. Except for the land of Lehi, in which Lehi’s tent served as the axis mundi, a temple was established at each center. Ritual officials were appointed to perform the prescriptions of the Mosaic law, with major observances, such as renewal ceremonies, occurring at the temple. Important sermons were also delivered to the community from the temple (2 Ne. 5:10, 16; Mosiah 2:5; Jacob 2-5; 3 Nephi. 12-17).

He goes on to talk about how the development and growth of cities (surrounding the center) corresponded to righteousness, and how destruction of cities (and ultimately no more civilization) was tied to wickedness. I think keeping an eye on this concept of “centers” and the role they played in Nephite civilization might be interesting as we move forward.

Pray for Peace

(I was hoping to get this out earlier this week, but my to-do list has been seriously disrupted by a whopping case of bronchitis. Sorry for the lateness of this post.)

Today is a day of fasting for those of my faith (although, wouldn't you know it, in our particular area, we had our fast day last week because we have different meetings this week). Anyway...I was asked to post something about a day of prayer and fasting for world peace...that our leaders will be able to find peaceful solutions to the conflicts that rage.

There are a host of opinions about the war in Iraq and foreign policy in general. I like to think of this faithful effort as something beyond any political points of view. I think any of us, regardless of specific feelings about the war, ultimately want peace. I hope we can include that hope in our thoughts and prayers today.

As for me, I hope we can have peace domestically as well. I don't think the angst and divisiveness that surrounds this issue is helpful toward the overall goal of peace, either. I hope for more peace in the United States as well as in the world at large.

If you feel so inclined, you are invited to join in the effort to pray for peace today.

What are Your Antioxidant Levels?

Mine are at 31,000. Does that sound impressive? Well, I found out they should be at 50,000 to 100,000. Of course, the company who sponsored the screening will let me pay big bucks to up those numbers by buying their product. (I'm considering it, although I don't get into taking lots of pills to "make me healthier.")

I found all of this out at my children's school's science fair. It was obvious that the child with this particular project didn't do most of the thinking for the event; nevertheless, I found the information interesting, so I stuck around.

I was interested in the foods that provide the most antioxidants, and thought you might be, too.

* Oxygen Radical Absorbance Capacity (ORAC units per 100 grams) in parentheses (I sound smart, huh? I found these numbers here.)

Fruits
Prunes (5770)
Raisins (2830)
Blueberries (2400)
Blackberries (2036)
Strawberries (1540)
Raspberries (1220)
Plums (949)
Oranges (750)
Red Grapes (739)
Cherries (670)

Veggies
Kale -- anyone know a good way to use this? (1770)
Spinach (1260)
Brussel Sprouts (980)
Alfalfa Sprouts (980)
Broccoli Florets (930)
Beets (890)
Red Bell Peppers (840)
Onions (710)
Corn (that one surprised me) (450)
Eggplant (390)

The display provided a list of other foods, but the link didn't work. That list included kidney and pinto beans as well. (Whooda thunk?) I've heard that chocolate is a good source of antioxidants (Hershey must love that research), so I'm including chocolate on my list of things to eat more of! (Waha.) I'm thinking of trying to infuse our diet with a few more of these things and getting my "levels" tested in a month or two. Or I suppose I could save the hassle and just buy the pills.... :) (Hmmm...do I sense an experiment of my own in the making....?)

(UPDATE: Chocolate (oh, baby) tops the list of ORAC units at 13120 for dark and 6,740 for milk. Wahoo!)

Source for these data: U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Journal of the American Chemical Society.

p.s. 'Nother update: This site has more foods listed, and, interestingly, some beat the ones above. So here's Web MD's view on this topic. (I was told last nite that not all antioxidants are created equal; some are more fundamental than others.?? I'm no expert, and always a bit skeptical when there is a product hiding behind someone's motives, so I'll go with the list for some good info for now.)

Small Red Bean (dried), Half cup (13727)
Wild blueberry, 1 cup (13427)
Red kidney bean (dried), Half cup (13259) (Well, chocolate still comes in pretty high!)
Pinto bean, Half cup (11864)
Blueberry (cultivated), 1 cup (9019)
Cranberry, 1 cup (whole), 8983
Artichoke (cooked), 1 cup (hearts) (7904)
Blackberry, 1 cup, 7701
Dried Prune, Half cup (7291)
Raspberry, 1 cup (6058)
Strawberry, 1 cup (5938)
Red Delicious apple, One (5900)
Granny Smith apple, One (5381)
Pecan, 1 ounce (5095)
Sweet cherry, 1 cup (4873)
Black plum, One (4844)
Russet potato (cooked), One (4649)
Black bean (dried), Half cup (4181)
Plum, One (4118)
Gala apple, One (3903)

So, there you go. I think it's interesting to see the comparative numbers, and to think of ways to use a variety of foods to increase antioxidant levels. Of course, foods not on this list have their own value as well (like whole grains, or bananas). Gotta love reinforcement for a balanced, Word-of-Wisdom consistent diet. :)

The Right Road?

There are some people who knew exactly what they wanted to be when they grew up, even as children. I was not one of those people. I knew I wanted to go to college, and thought I had a good direction when I began, but it didn't take long to realize that my plans weren't for me -- but I didn't know what should replace them. I felt a bit directionless, even purposeless at times.

I started as a Computer Science major. From there, I fluctuated between Family Science and Statistics, considering basically everything in between. (I ruled out business because I KNEW I wasn't interested in that. I'll have to share that story for another day: I got my Master's degree in business!)

Long story short, my first semester of my junior year, I finally took a leap and declared Psychology as my major. I was petrified that I would hit yet another brick wall in my gut as I had with so many other directions I had tested. I was worried about doing what was "right" for me (what "God wanted me to do"). All I wanted to know is if this was "right."

I sought a blessing from my dad. It started off rather generic. I remember him telling me that I could seek direction in prayer as needed. (OK, I knew that. I really, really wanted an answer NOW, though!) Then it happened. I could tell that the Spirit took over and my dad told me that the decision I had made was good and right. (Woo hoo!) BUT--and this was a BIG but that has stuck with me through nearly two decades--he told me that (I can hear my dad's voice saying words like these): "The Lord would have you know that there are many paths you could take and still accomplish your work on the earth." Wow. What a lesson that was. This WAS a good decision, but it wasn't the ONLY right decision for me.

Now, I'm not sharing this to say that there aren't some times in life when there isn't a direction that is capital-R Right. In addition, I believe that there may be paths in our lives that might be Better than others. I believe with all of my heart that the Lord can and will guide us in our decisions along the way if we seek His help in faith. But I have never forgotten that blessing. For all my desire to "do what is right" and to follow the Lord's will, sometimes He doesn't have One Right Path that I Must Take Or Else.

When I get the chance to talk to young college students, as I sometimes do, I always share the following quote with them (one from my kinda-oldies-but-goodies collection:)

In the past, I have tried to figure out whether I should go into business or into teaching, or into the arts, or whatever. As I have begun to proceed along one path, having more or less gathered what facts I could, I have found that if that decision was wrong or was taking me down the wrong path – not necessarily an evil one, but one that was not right for me – without fail, the Lord has always let me know just this emphatically: ‘That is wrong; do not go that way. That is not for you.’

On the other hand, there may have been two or three ways that I could have gone, any one of which would have been right and would have been in the general area providing the experience and means whereby I could fulfill the mission that the Lord had in mind for me. Because He knows we need the growth, He generally does not point and say, ‘Open that door and go twelve yards in that direction, then turn right and go two miles….’ But, if it is wrong, He will let us know – we will feel it for sure. I am positive of that. So, rather than saying, ‘I will not move until I have this burning in my heart,’ let us turn it around and say, ‘I will move unless I feel it is wrong; and if it is wrong, then I will not do it.’ By eliminating all of these wrong courses, very quickly, you will find yourself going in the direction that you ought to be going, and then you can receive the assurance: ‘Yes, I am going in the right direction. I am doing what my Father in Heaven wants me to do because I am not doing the things He does not want me to do.’ And you can know that for sure. That is part of the growth process and part of accomplishing what our Father in Heaven has in mind for us. (John H. Groberg, BYU Speeches of the Year, 1979)

I have a dream...

(by JJ, my dear son)....

That all the wars will stop. I hope that there will be more peace. I also hope that everyone will be frends [sic]. I hope that all who are sick will get better. And all those who have trobles [sic] that they will be solved. And that everyone will be happy. :) [Smileyface in original.]

Perhaps yet another example of why we are told to be as a child....

The Best Laid Plans...

OK. So Christmas plans went well. But the rest of the week was insane. All of our plans completely unraveled. We were supposed to have company, and they got sick. We had to be careful about the sick thing because we were going on vacation to be with hubby's family (and didn't want to risk getting all of them sick) -- and then that ended up not happening. At the first of the week, I was nearly pulling my hair out with frustration, like "Why are things not working?" But it didn't take long for it to became clear that, as crazy as it sounds, the Lord's hand was in the sickness and the many, many changed plans. We have witnessed tender mercies GALORE in our friends' lives (the ones who never got to stay at our house), we experienced some tender mercies of our own, and I have been taught again about trusting in the Lord.

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own
understanding. [Make plans, yes, but don't worry if things don't work the way you planned! "All things work together for good to them that love God." Romans 8:28)] In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they
paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

(P.S. There might be more to come on this amazing week!)

The Power of One Dollar

This story will warm your heart. It reminds me of one of the talks given in the Priesthood session of Conference that I recently read. Elder Stanley Ellis says:

I was studying the parable of the talents. You remember the story. A man needed to go away, so he entrusted his servants with his goods. One received five talents, another two, and the last received one. Upon his return, he asked for an accounting. The servant who received five and returned ten, as well as the one who took two and returned four, were declared good and faithful servants. But what caught my attention was the servant who received one, took care of it, and returned it safely back to his lord. I was surprised by the response of the master: “Thou wicked and slothful servant, … take therefore the talent from him, … and cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness”! (See Matt. 25:14–30.)
This seemed to be a harsh reaction to one who seemed to be trying to take care of what he was given. But the Spirit taught me this truth—the Lord expects a difference!

I've Been Tagged!

OK, so Naiah tagged me and now I need to share five things about me that you may not know. Since you don't know much about me, that really shouldn't be hard....

I can recite the names of all of the children in my kindergarten class. In alphabetical order. On demand (if I'm in the mood). I've performed this amazing feat for at least one ward talent show. I think it's one of the things that impressed my husband most about me....

I graduated from BYU with two degrees (over a course of six years), without finding a husband. (That was not for lack of trying, mind you!) I joke that I should have received a tuition refund....

I can touch my tongue to my nose. My youngest child is pretty proud that she also shares in this amazing talent. (Wow. Two hidden talents revealed in one post. Are you impressed?)

I served in a mission in South America in the same country where my father served, where his father served, and where my parents are now serving.

I recently discovered that the boys over at ABEV are not-too-distant cousins of mine. We have the same great-great grandparents. (If they don't want people to know that they are related to me, then pretend you don't know.) :)

I want to tag Téa, Tigersue and my pear-tickling friend, if they are up to playing. :)

Mortal Life Teaches of Christ's Life

A few years ago, I attended a BYU Religion class taught by Todd B. Parker. He gave a lesson that has always stuck with me. It was based on 2 Nephi 11:4, which teaches us that "all things which have been given of God from the beginning of the world, unto man, are the typifying of him." This is something Wade touched on in a post in July (well worth the read). I wanted to expand upon Wade's post to discuss how not only elements of the gospel, scripture and so forth testify of Christ and His life and mission, but also how we can find Him in our day-to-day lives, and in the world around us. Life can teach us about His life--which encompasses not only His years in mortality, but includes His characteristics, and His eternal roles and mission.

The Fire Within

I've been on a roller coaster the past while. Obviously. But I have to say that right now I feel on fire. Although physically I'm feeling half dead, spiritually I'm soaring. It's all in a quiet kind of a way. I'm not walking around with a constant burning in my bosom or anything like that. But I feel so grounded, so settled. I've always been a passionate gospel-loving, prophet-following person, but my testimony of the importance of all of this just keeps growing. There is so much safety and protection from clinging to the words of the prophets -- like I would if I were hanging over a cliff with only a thick root jetting out from the cliff's wall to hold on to. Experiences I have had, insights that have come, and the Spirit's confirming power just tighten my grip on that root, the rod, almost daily. I can't fathom life without this anchor, this compass, this Rock-solid guide in my life. My latest couple of pieces at A Prayer of Faith give a glimpe into more of my thoughts. I am reminded that the way is so easy. All we have to do is give heed to the word of God (represented by BOTH the iron rod and the Liahona -- there is no difference!) and we can be safely led to our land of promise - now and eternally.

That's all I have time for tonight, but I hope to pull together more thoughts on this soon.

I'm Not Dead Yet

I think I have figured out what was wearing me out with the whole blogging thing, and have decided I'm not going to quit here at my personal blog, although I'll probably be just as sporadic here as before. :) I just needed to stop getting involved in involved discussions that usually went nowhere and left me drained. If you still find me here and there, it's because I'm not fully gone, but just scaled back. :) To those of you who offered support along the way as I was figuring things out, I offer you my heartfelt thanks. :)

Retirement?

Alas, it may be that my blogging days are coming to an end. M&M is tired. The question is, is this an early or late retirement? Hmmmmm..... For the blogging world, it's probably about right. Will it be permanent? I guess only time will tell. You can still find me on A Prayer of Faith, however, and maybe occasionally on Blogger of Jared. (Can a retired blogger contribute to a site that has that word in its name? Hee hee...ha ha.) It's been interesting, to say the least....

MHF

Just to give you an idea of how amazing my children are....

Today I had a hard day. (It seems I have had a lot of those lately. Ugh.) Anyway, I try hard to not let the children see when that is the case, but today I just needed to curl up and have a good cry. I sneaked upstairs while they were downstairs playing ping pong with their dad and closed the door so I could have a few minutes to myself. Within minutes, though, hubby came in and they followed, and, well, I just told them I wasn't feeling good today. (It was one of my not-so-good days physically.)

They left me to stay curled up for a bit. A little while later, though, they came upstairs saying that I needed to come to their playroom. They were very anxious to show me something.

I was simply stunned (and deeply touched) by what they had been working on.

On the wall in their playroom, they had taped a sign that says, "MHF" -- which stands for "Mom's Helping Friends." They had gathered together and made a list of about eight different things they could do to help Mom, from making me cards to letting me sleep to not having contention.

It's not hard to imagine how much my heart melted. The empathy and compassion that my children have developed through this trial of mine -- er, ours -- is sometimes almost breathtaking to me. While I should be feeling guilty that they were the ones nurturing me at that moment, I don't (or I can't) because this is where I am. And this is who they are.

MHF is an exclusive club, by the way. Only children with my last name are allowed. I overheard that they will be holding weekly meetings on Saturdays....

Life may be hard for me right now, but I have three little blessings for whom I am very, very grateful.

Home Teaching Lesson, Detours Included

HT: What is going to happen in a couple of months? You are going to be baptized.
DS: Yes, in January. You can come if you want.
HT: Thank you. I will. Why are we baptized? We are baptized because Jesus showed us the way.
DD: We have a picture and a statue of Jesus right there. Did you know that my aunt painted that picture?
HT: Wow, she's a good artist. That's a great picture (said more like pitcher).
DD: It's not a pitcher. A pitcher is what you use to pour water. It's a pick-shur.
Mom: Yes, she's the one who reminds us that it's "CosTco" not "Cosco."
But let's let our home teacher finish his lesson. It's an important one for DS.
Dad: As an aside, Brother So-and-So has always been teased by his children because he says the days of the week, "Mondee, Tuesdee,...."
HT: Well, those of us who come from the southern part of the state talk different. You know why? Because the Danes settled in that area. It was called "Little Denmark."
Dad: Really? Do people still speak Danish there?
HT: No, but my dad and grandad did. They went on missions to the Norweigan countries, so they spoke the Norweigan languages.
BUT, back to the lesson on baptism....

(By now, I was laughing. DD#2 took us on another detour later on...wish I could remember it all, but it was all pretty funny. We did end up having a nice lesson, though.) :)

Sometimes I Still Cry A tribute for Breast Cancer Awareness Month

She died over a year and a half ago.

Her cancer had returned. This time, it attacked not her breast but her liver and lungs. (That's never a good thing, as you well know.)

She was in my ward. I didn't know her that well, and yet I feel as though I really did. She had been our Relief Society President for only a few short months when the devastating news arrived. How could it be? No, please, no.

We had all fallen in love with her. She was unassuming, genuine, loving, faithful, approachable. She invited every sister who would come over to her house for some gathering. For the mothers of young children, it was a breakfast. She wanted to know about our lives, our thoughts, our suggestions. She even implemented one of my suggestions in a Relief Society class.

She was a mother of nine, eight of whom were living. She was an exemplary wife and mom, focusing her energies and time on building Zion within her home. (If you didn't know how humble and wonderful she was, you would be intimated by her. But you couldn't be intimidated. You just couldn't because of who she was.)

When her cancer came back, we as a ward mourned. We prayed. We fasted. We reached out in love as much as we could. Her family reached back, and shared intimate details of their struggle with us. We received regular emails updating us on their journey. They decided that they would open up their usually-private life so we could exercise our faith better, and so we could travel with them. It was one of the most unifying things I have ever experienced in a ward.

And it was one of the most tender experiences of my life. I felt a love and concern and connection with her and her family that has remained to this day, even as their life has moved on. And the experience reached a deep, deep part of my soul.

Part of the reason I connected so much is because so many of the struggles she had were struggles I was having, just in a different context, and perhaps to different degrees. I understood struggles with fear, concerns about the future and life and family and all of those things that surface when your health is in question. I was pretty sure that I didn't have cancer, but there were still so many unknowns, so many concerns that were the same. I just empathized with her--and she did with me.

I will never forget the day that I left an Enrichment class and went into one of the alcoves that leads to the stage -- to cry. I couldn't handle the normalcy with which the presenter was talking about getting up just a little bit earlier to exercise. That may sound silly, but she could never understand what a little bit more sleep could do for someone like me. She couldn't know how much I missed my normal life when I was a runner and could sacrifice sleep. She didn't know how hard it was when life just isn't normal. It was a straw for my camel that night, and I lost it. (Part of why I was so close to tears anyway was because I had had an abnormal brain MRI, and I was beyond worried.)

So who was the one who came to comfort me and to listen? You guessed it. Here she was, facing the possibility that her cancer would not go away this time around, and she was listening to me sob and vent my concerns and doubts and fears. Of course, it's because she understood. As I apologized for complaining about my life, given what her life entailed, I realized that the severity of her trials didn't change what my trials were to me. (We can't compare suffering.) She never made me feel that she "won" because her health problems were worse. She just cared.

As things continued to get worse in her life, we as a ward continued to exercise our faith together. Between pregnancy, nursing and health issues, I have only fasted once or twice in the past eight years or so, and one of those times was for her. We had very specific purposes to our fasting and prayers, and I felt strongly that we were exercising faith in a way that was pleasing to heaven. I had the sense that if she passed away, it would have to be God's will, because we were truly doing all we could do.

During this time, she would openly share her doubts and concerns and questions in Relief Society. These were the times I felt that much closer to her. I know that no one really knew what to say, but oh, how I could understand the questions she asked, because I had many of the same ones. What do you do with blessings that don't seem fulfilled? How do you exercise your faith? I think in the end she really understood the answers. Faith is not about getting what we want. It's about submitting with faith and trust to whatever God's will was. Ultimately, we have faith in Him and in nothing else.

God's will was made clear. She deteriorated rapidly in the end. She slipped peacefully into eternity on the day that I had anticipated finally going to her home to say my last and personal goodbye. (I hadn't done it sooner for fear of intruding on very necessary family time.)

She actually chose to wait a couple of hours before moving on, until her oldest daughter arrived from out of town. The family then sang a couple of hymns, then prayed, then let her go.

I have no doubt that she passed her test. And in doing so, she gave those around her more strength and desire to do the same. This journey was one filled with light, peace, understanding and hope. As she and her family shared the journey with us, they strengthened our testimonies about the truthfulness of the gospel and the plan of salvation. It all reached me so deeply that I will never be the same.

I miss her. I love her. And I will be forever grateful for the influence she had on my life.

And, so, sometimes I still cry.

Resourcefulness Rocks!

I was dead tired today. My plan was to spend most of the day on the couch. (I've had too many couch days lately. Not fun.)

I forced myself to go out and take a walk. (Gotta get exercise! Besides, sometimes it helps me get a little more energy.) As I headed off to our neighborhood track, I remembered that we had a project that HAD to be done today (the source of materials for our project will be disappearing Monday). I suggested to my husband that this could be our exercise for the afternoon. It took a few minutes to convince him that my idea wasn't completely crazy, but finally, he relented.

And so, we spent the next two and a half hours hauling rocks from the construction site next door. We are using them as decorative rocks in our what-is-usually-a-weed-bed on the side of the house. Hubby's skepticism faded quickly. He wants to put rocks in all of our sorta-flower beds (often more weedy than flowery) now! And, hey, you can't beat the price! (Although we may not be able to move tomorrow....)

Besides the rejuv that can come from working hard, getting fresh air, and focusing on a major project, what may have topped off our evening was the fact that this was a family affair. All three children pitched in, carrying rocks in their tiny plastic wheelbarrows, their shirts, and even the secret compartment on a princess big wheel. It was long after the sun had set that we finally went inside to shower, eat (late dinner, yes) and head to bed. (The children didn't want to go in. Their determination and hard work warmed my heart.)

The snapshot moment of the evening: I was pulling a heavy-laden wheelbarrow, and my children helped by pushing. I mentioned feeling like I was pulling a handcart, and my children broke into song. "Come, come ye saints, no toil nor labor fear...." Priceless.

Friday the 13th

I'm not a superstitious person; nevertheless, I hesistated when we decided to induce on the 13th of October to get #3 here. (My body doesn't do labor well. My babies are big (two over nine pounds) and I'm not so big.) I felt horrible that every six years this precious person would have a birthday on Friday the 13th.

Well, fortunately, #3 didn't notice today. I think the birthday part of the day was a success.

However, it WAS a Friday the 13th for me. (Although, remember, I'm not superstitious.) But, what was up with today? :)

How was your Friday the 13th?

(And since I have had a bad day, please refrain from telling me I'm an awful mother for inducing or, worse, for inducing on the 13th of the month.) ;)

"The Need for Greater Kindness"

[Miracles] can happen and will happen when there is kindness, respect, and love. Why do any of us have to be so mean and unkind to others? Why can’t all of us reach out in friendship to everyone about us? Why is there so much bitterness and animosity? It is not a part of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
(Gordon B. Hinckley, “The Need for Greater Kindness,” Ensign, May 2006, 58)

I have been reminded of this lately. (Isn't it sad that we must be reminded of something that is supposed to be so basic to Christian life?) Sometimes being on the receiving end of unkind actions and words can remind me of how important it is for me to be kind.

I had a hard day a couple of days ago. I suppose I was probably already on the verge of tears anyway. But a woman serving samples at Costco was unkind to me, and I spent the rest of the time in Costco with tears trickling down my cheeks. I was reminded that "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see" (Hymns, 220).

I have had a few other experiences where a stranger has been incredibly unkind -- once in a parking lot, and once as I was crossing the street (a woman actually stuck her tongue out at me from her passing car after I had tried to signal for her to slow down while I crossed the street with my precious daughter!) I have been surprised at how those actions affected me. They hurt, even though I didn't know the people and even though I didn't have to face them again. I was reminded that even strangers deserve my kindness. Certainly they don't deserve impatience and mean words and actions.

I'm not trying to play the victim, but instead am reminding myself that even seemingly insignificant interactions plagued with mean-spiritedness can have an effect on someone. I know because of the effect these experience have had on me. I am resolving to be more kind, especially when my impulse may be to be selfish and snappy. I might just spare someone some pain that they didn't need added to their lives.

"Savior may I love my brother as I know thou lovest me."

I hate it when that happens....

Dontcha hate it when you are determined to get to bed earlier than usual and as you are heading to bed and running through your mental list one last time you realize that you forgot to do a life-sized tracing of your child on butcher paper for your child's first day of preschool (and cut it out) so Miss Teacher can decorate it with old clothes that you also forgot to find and cut just right so they can be stapled onto said life-sized tracing that you had to wake your precious child up to do?

I hate it when that happens. (Yawn.)

Musings on Suffering and Submission (and Sacrifice)

With the chronic fatiguey stuff I deal with, I never know how I will feel from day to day. Yesterday was a rough day. By the end of the day I was so spent, so discouraged. I read this, and found myself on the verge of tears. (Sidenote -- that is a stunning article on sacrifice. I suggest you go read it now before even finishing here!) The irony of being a mother of young children with limited energy (and being willing but currently unable to subject my body to another being-pregnant-and-taking-care-of-an-infant experience) sometimes seems like more than I can bear. And there just seems to be no end in sight to this relentless, foggy fatigue and the pain and discomfort that often accompany it. It's. Not. Fair.

Weighed down by these thoughts, as I did dishes last night, I finally slumped over the sink and began to cry. The gift of that article, however, must have allowed an image to form in my heart and mind. In that instant, I pictured the Savior also slumped over, in Gethsemane, pressed by the "infinite and eternal" weight of the sins and afflictions heaped upon His soul.

That image enabled me to stand up a little straighter and dry my eyes. "I am trying to be like Jesus," right? Somehow, I must summon the strength to bear this trial gracefully. Even the Savior wanted His cup to pass, but, in the end, He submitted. "Thy will be done."

Irony is the hard crust on the bread of adversity. Irony can try both our faith and our patience. Irony can be a particularly bitter form of such chastening because it involves disturbing incongruity. It involves outcomes in violation of our expectations. We see the best laid plans laid waste.

Amid life’s varied ironies, you and I may begin to wonder, Did not God notice this torturous turn of events? And if He noticed, why did He permit it? Am I not valued?...

Irony may involve not only unexpected suffering but also undeserved suffering. We feel we deserved better, and yet we fared worse. We had other plans, even commendable plans. Did they not count?...

In coping with irony, as in all things, we have an Exemplary Teacher in Jesus. Dramatic irony assaulted Jesus’ divinity almost constantly.

For Jesus, in fact, irony began at His birth. Truly, He suffered the will of the Father 'in all things from the beginning.' (3 Ne. 11:11.) This whole earth became Jesus’ footstool (see Acts 7:49), but at Bethlehem there was 'no room … in the inn' (Luke 2:7) and 'no crib for his bed' (Hymns, 1985, no. 206.)

At the end, meek and lowly Jesus partook of the most bitter cup without becoming the least bitter. (See 3 Ne. 11:11; D&C 19:18–19.) The Most Innocent suffered the most. Yet the King of Kings did not break, even when some of His subjects did unto Him 'as they listed.' (D&C 49:6.) Christ’s capacity to endure such irony was truly remarkable.

(Neal A. Maxwell, “Irony: The Crust on the Bread of Adversity,” Ensign, May 1989, 62

Though stretched by our challenges, by living righteously and enduring well we can eventually become sufficiently more like Jesus in our traits and attributes, that one day we can dwell in the Father’s presence forever and ever. By so living now, our confidence will 'wax strong in the presence of God' then (D&C 121:45). Confirmingly, the Prophet Joseph declared, 'If you wish to go where God is, you must be like God, or possess the principles which God possesses' (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, comp. Joseph Fielding Smith [1976], 216).

Again, our experiences surely do not approach those of Jesus, yet the same principles and processes apply. His perfected attributes exemplify what can be much further developed by each of us. There is certainly no shortage of relevant clinical experiences, is there?

(Neal A. Maxwell, “Apply the Atoning Blood of Christ,” Ensign, Nov. 1997, 22)

Good news, anyone?

It's been quite a week. You know the "good news minute" in Relief Society that it seems is done quite regularly? Well, I missed it today. Literally and figuratively. I'm feeling weighed down, because:

- I found out a friend's missionary son came home six months early from his mission. Not for health reasons. (I was thrilled, however, to see the love and warmth that he found at church. We have an awesome ward.)
- We had two babies born, both who ended up in the ICU. (I think they will be fine.)
- I spent RS talking to a friend who is on the brink of leaving her husband. Hard situation on many fronts. They have two small children.
- I met yet another woman who was deserted by her husband (of 20 years) for another woman, whom he then deserted months later. I can't comprehend the pain they must have experienced.
- A friend has decided to be done with the Church. If you wonder why I worry about too much intellectualizing about stuff related to our religion in ways that calls into the question the foundations of our faith, this is one reason why. I have walked with her through part of this journey, desperately hoping that she could see the light instead of the darkness of doubt, but to no avail. Dancing with doubt is dangerous business. It's devastating to me to see someone I care about so deeply walk away from Living Water and the Bread of Life.
- Our Sunday School lesson was one of those last-days-gloom-and-doom lessons. Of course, I know all the righteous-need-not-fear answers, but still sometimes the realization of our perilous times gets to me, ya know?
- On a personal note, I had a hard time not breaking down at the hospital when we visited one of the new moms. I am feeling old and tired and still not sure if having another child will be something we get to experience. While it doesn't stop my life, the pain of that potential end is ever-present -- made more so when I see a new little life.

I'm really fine, but it has been quite a heavy day. Thank heaven for the gospel which is my anchor, reminding me that there is hope in these last days, that trials can be overcome, and that nothing can go permanently wrong if we trust in and follow the Savior.

-

A response about questioning leaders

In response to "Can leaders be wrong?"

Of course leaders can be wrong. They are human. But they are humans with authority. Their being wrong doesn't happen very often, and we still have a responsibility to sustain and support them, even if they goof once in a while. (Minus extreme abuse or other situations that should be reported, but that's a different issue.) I get uneasy with discussions that want to push the point of "can leaders be wrong?" What I have seen happen is that advocating "thinking" about what they say often means challenging what they say (or do) and/or morphs into criticizing them.

So, if you sense my hesitancy to focus on possibility of leaders being wrong, you are right -- in part because of the above. My own experience with the few times I have thought a leader was wrong and vocalize that sentiment is that criticism of leaders offends the Spirit. (A recent experience also revealed that I was the one wrong, not the leader. I think such is usually the case.) So, "can a leader be wrong?" Yes, but what are we to do about that when it happens? Is it our place to correct them or point out their error to them or others? IMO, no, it's not. If we ever feel we receive direction contrary to theirs, I think we should keep that to ourselves. It's our responsibility to show charity and support in spite of their weakness. My experience is that it helps me keep the Spirit. Supporting my leaders is what builds my testimony, not questioning them or what they say or do (not that I never have, but when I have and have judged my leaders in a negative way, it's basically not been something of benefit to me and my testimony, but rather a detriment. (Thinking for further understanding, however, is a different issue altogether.)

Incidentally, I have been on the receiving end of criticism (unfairly leveled, I might add) and it undermined my ability to serve in my calling, and caused other people to mistrust me until they figured out that lies were being told. It was one of the worst experiences I have ever had in the Church in part because it took so much away from what good could have been done.

I have found the following to be meaningful when I have considered the question you pose. (This is not the first time I have had this discussion. I realize others may have a different approach.)

I have given the following counsel to Church members—those who have committed themselves by upraised hands to sustain their church leaders:
"Criticism is particularly objectionable when it is directed toward Church authorities, general or local.... Evil speaking of the Lord’s anointed is in a class by itself. It is one thing to depreciate a person who exercises corporate power or even government power. It is quite another thing to criticize or depreciate a person for the performance of an office to which he or she has been called of God. It does not matter that the criticism is true. As Elder George F. Richards, President of the Council of the Twelve, said in a conference address in April 1947,

“ ‘When we say anything bad about the leaders of the Church, whether true or false, we tend to impair their influence and their usefulness and are thus working against the Lord and his cause.’ (In Conference Report, Apr. 1947, p. 24.)” ...


[For example, consider how it's nearly impossible to discuss Elder McConkie's point of view in the 'nacle because he has been criticized so much around here. I can't imagine the Lord is pleased about that, because Elder McConkie was His apostle, and did so much for the work.]


In our system of Church government, evil speaking and criticism of leaders by members is always negative. ...
(see D&C 121:16.)

The counsel against speaking evil of Church leaders is not so much for the benefit of the leaders as it is for the spiritual well-being of members who are prone to murmur and find fault. [Again, this has been consistent with my personal experience.]

[In addition] the Bible teaches that rejection of or murmuring against the counsel of the Lord’s servants amounts to actions against the Lord himself. How could it be otherwise? The Lord acts through his servants. That is the pattern he has established to safeguard our agency in mortality. His servants are not perfect, which is another consequence of mortality. But if we murmur against the Lord’s servants, we are working against the Lord and his cause and will soon find ourselves without the companionship of his Spirit.

(Dallin H. Oaks, “Criticism,” Ensign, Feb. 1987, 68, emphasis added)

As a side note, regarding BY's quote, I find it interesting, too, to note that BY lived in a day where he saw half the Quorum of the 12 apostatize. I wonder if that is part of the reason he said what he did. (We should also consider all the times he talked about following the prophet, too.) I don't hear any current leaders underscoring what he taught in that one quote, but rather putting much more emphasis on following our leaders in faith and trust. I tend to look for patterns in what is said, and the pattern I see is definitely on the side of following in trust.

But again, I realize other people may have a different approach. But now you can understand mine a little better. This is not just based on quotes in a vacuum. It's based on my own personal experience as well, and what I have seen in others. I don't see questioning leaders and their rightness as a prerequisite to testimony. For some, maybe that helps in the journey somehow, although I don't relate to that at all. That has simply not been the case for me.

Thoughts on Feminist Blogging from a "Non-Feminist"

Kiskilili said the following:
I would be interested, though, to hear from a non-feminist who nevertheless participates regularly on feminist blogs and feels its net effect has been damaging, in what ways, and what draws them to such discussions.

My response, too long to post at ZD, follows.

For what it is worth, I will share my point of view since I don't identify myself as a feminist (at least not in the way feminism is usually framed in the 'nacle). (I'm a little hesitant to do so...please treat my words with kindness, even if you don't agree.) This is an issue I have been thinking about for months, so forgive the length. (This is also quite stream-of-consciousness. I have a headache and just can't do much more than this today...as it is, I have spent a lot of time trying to pull out some of what is swimming in my brain....)

During the last few months in the 'nacle, I have come to understand that for some women, finding out that they are not alone in their struggles is incredibly helpful. They are able to talk about things they don't talk about at church. I respect and appreciate that.

But I think that benefit may be limited, at least to a degree. Looking at it analytically at least, I think it doesn't take long to be able to say, "Oh, look, I'm not alone." But then what? Even getting other people's ideas seems to have a limited scope, because often the same issues are brought up over and over again.

Lynnette acknowledged that blogging can intensify feelings of anger, and I think it often does. What saddens me is that like-minded people group together, but often end up just re-hashing the same points, venting and expressing frustration about what they don't like about Church or the leaders or whatever, or how they wish the Church would be different. Often, it seems (my perception) that those expressions outweigh efforts to move forward with faith. Fixation on frustrations can often make the frustrations seem bigger and more in need of attention than perhaps they were before, which leads to more focus on frustration. It's a potentially vicious cycle. And I think it often creates a false sense of reality.

When I'm upset about something, and I give voice to frustrations for long and I feed them too much, they just gain a unrealistic life of their own. In the 'nacle, what often seems to ensue is not clear understanding but a false sense of reality based on (usually negative) perception and experience alone (a potentially dangerous sort of groupthink), especially when very few voices on "the other side" are heard or considered. Can focus on the frustrations really bring resolution and peace? I doubt it.

Following are other ways I see feminist blogging as potentially detrimental:

- There is often contempt toward mainstream Mormonism, leaders and people who even want to express their mainstreamish points of view. While criticism is directed at the Church for being closed-minded, it seems that there is little room for considering merits of the mainstream viewpoints, life, etc in discussions. If such things are not given voice, I see no chance for anything but frustration to breed frustration. Much of the "Mormon" is often stripped from these discussions, except to express anger toward what makes the Church what it is (priesthood, prophets, temple, etc.) It lacks in objectivity and seems very one-sided to me.

- I believe feminist Mormon blogging has the potential to damage those who are tender in the gospel, who might have more doubt heaped upon them before their foundation of faith can handle it. Those who blog often don't seem to think of the ramifications of feeding doubt when faith is needed, even crucial. I think we will be held accountable for the impact we have on others, even if those people are people we never meet. (See this brief article for reflections on that topic.)

- I feel that feminist blogging intensifies a rift that exists between women who struggle with the Church and women who don't. Mormon feminism seems to only care about women who share its views – not about women in the Church in a general way. Feminism is a rather exclusive club. (I know that doesn't necessarily translate to feminists only caring about feminists in "real life" but it's often the way it feels online.) On "both sides" we often become untrusting of each other and so we continue to congregate based on differences, instead of trying to find ways to come together and find similarities. Frankly, I don't want there to be an 'us' and a 'them.' Perhaps it's inevitable at this point. Yet, I still yearn for a Mormon sisterhood that we can ALL enjoy, not just if we are "feminist" or "not feminist." I personally don't believe the Savior wants us to compartmentalize ourselves into so many subgroups, and that is the kind of compartmentalizing that I think is potentially very damaging on the 'nacle. Unity is impossible in this kind of forum, for in the bloggernacle, familiarity breeds friendship, and differences often breed contempt. That doesn't do much for building bridges.

- On a personal note, there have been several occasions where, especially on feminist-themed threads, I have been personally attacked and treated unkindly. I am accused of being insensitive yet treated insensitively. I am accused of not considering other points of view when mine is treated with contempt. So, frankly, for personal reasons, I'm having a hard time feeling positive about feminist blogging. The tone and tenor of discussions often lends itself to such unkindness, particularly to those who may not share feminist concerns. (I do need to say that there are those who, even though they disagree with me, have showed patience and kindness – that in spite of my sometimes-overzealous thought-sharing, and to you, I say thank you.)

- As much as blogging feeds the fire of revolution-minded, radical feminism in the Church, then feminist blogging is not a good thing. Frankly, I don't see feminist blogging as being a vehicle for change in the Church. I am confident the Brethren are aware of the issues discussed in the 'nacle long before any critical mass on any issue can congregate toward a goal of change. If feminist blogging causes more people to want to rise up against our leaders, then it's a bad thing. Not that the Church or leaders can't handle it, but because I believe it is bad for the individuals themselves who engage in such efforts. In general, anger and criticism shut out the Spirit, and I think there is particular risk of spiritual harm when criticizing our leaders. (Elder Oaks has said as much.) (Perhaps I'm reacting more to things I have read on my own and less here online, so this may or may not be relevant to blogging in particular.)

- I feel that sometimes the feminacle becomes a place to pretend that mainstream Mormonism doesn't exist, or to mock it, or even to escape --or replace -- it -- rather than help people figure out how to really embrace it in spite of the concerns and frustrations. Again, as much as the 'nacle helps someone not feel alone so she can go back and tackle her concerns in "the real world" with faith, it can be good. I'm glad to hear women have decided to stay in the Church because they don't feel so alone, thanks to sites like FMH. But too often I feel people stop there – relishing in a community built on the foundation of frustration that leads some to compartmentalize their lives. ("My real sisters are online; I simply endure my RS sisters and others at church, or endure the church altogether."). This kind of double-life doesn't seem like a good thing. (This can also underscore that sometimes RS sisters need to do more to reach out – I realize this can cut both ways. But that really isn't possible if women turn exclusively to the bloggernacle for their community fix.)

Now, I fear I may be misread here. I don't say any of this to imply that those with concerns don't have a place in the Church. I hurt when I hear women thinking they may not belong. Don't lose hope! The Savior is there with open arms. But we have to come to Him. The 'nacle is not the way to ultimately do that. We can't fully come to Him with one foot (or more) in a pool of frustration and doubt. We have to be willing to give HIM the doubt and look for ways to build faith. Inasmuch as feminist blogging lingers on sources of doubt and frustration, I think it can easily hinder someone from completely coming to Christ and laying burdens at HIS feet (rather than at the bloggernacle's!) Come to the 'nacle to find you are not alone if need be, then go back to church and to God to find out how to overcome the frustration. Don't give the frustration primary focus. His yoke is easy; His burden is light. His gospel is one of love, acceptance, peace and joy. He doesn't want you to feel frustrated, so find ways to move past the frustration, not feed it!

This is another downside I see of Mormon feminist blogging. It seems to be designed primarily as a vehicle for venting and discussing the frustation. Where, then, do such women go to plant and feed the seed of faith? (Think Al. 32 - give place for the seed, have a desire/hope that it's good and take great care to feed that seed - not seeds of doubt ("do not cast it out by your unbelief").) I don't see a lot of that feeding the seed of faith in places where women with concerns congregate. (I realize I haven't much of a clue what goes on at the personal level - can only share perceptions of the 'nacle itself.) Controversy is what breeds conversation in the bloggernacle. And I think that is one of its most unfortunate characteristics.

I guess I've seen too many people put their frustrations at the forefront and never seem to be able to move past them - to move toward reconciliation in their hearts – a reconciliation that is not contingent on change or revolution, but sought with the help of God who is the author of peace. Feminist blogging is at best a temporary solution to a problem that demands something more. I'm NOT saying that women with serious, heartfelt doubts don't turn to God for help already. I know that many do, and exert a lot of spiritual energy in doing so. Perhaps this struggle is their cross. To them, I would say, don't give up. Keep pressing forward. Keep feeding the seed of faith. Make place in your heart for that seed. But realize that the answer will not lie in re-hashing the same ol' frustrations over and over again – not without an eye toward faith and reconciliation.

I think an example might be useful here. Consider the recent post at BCC – "Why I Stay." Such a post acknowledges that there are issues and concerns ("I'm struggling, but I'm staying. Here's why."), but instead of feeding those concerns, the post focused on and fed faith. Everyone's foundation was a little different, but it was uplifting to read what everyone wrote. It was constructive. I felt it was forward-moving, not jumping on that cyclical, cynical bandwagon of complaint. Contrast that with posts that examine and rehash points of frustration over and over again, feeding that frustration and not leaving much of a place for faith. Frankly, I think we need many more posts like "Why I Stay." (Note how that was also a safe forum for both those who doubt and those who don't. It was a bridge-building post.)

I don't see faith having a significant and consistent voice in feminist blogging. Doubt has more of the stage. I think that easily can do disservice to its participants, especially those already struggling. I worry about people on the fence finding feminist blogs and being blown to the side of doubt, where, had there been a focus on faith, there could be a different outcome. In fact, sometimes, feminist blogs just create more questions -- questions that can crowd out faith – or gives unhealthy reinforcement to frustrations that might be best left to cool for a while.

And so, I would say, give faith a voice! Again, find ways to build and express faith, even in the things that feel frustrating. If the temple causes angst because of some of its elements, find what about the temple brings peace and perspective instead! If there are prophetic teachings that tear at your heartstrings, find those that resonate with your soul and build from there! And so it can go.... I would love to see more posts like "Why I Stay" from our feminist sisters. ("Why I love the temple." "How the priesthood has blessed my life." "What I [do] love about being a woman in the Church." "What I [do] love about the Church." "Anchor moments in my life that ground me at tough times." You get the idea.)

My one experience with feeling "oppressed" by a church leader led me to his office, where, when I expressed my frustration, he kindly explained his side of things, and I realized that my frustrations were basically based on faulty assumptions and perceptions. Isn't it possible that some of the frustrations expressed in the feminacle are based on faulty assumptions as well? How often are these assumptions honestly challenged? How often is the mainstream approach given honest, open-minded consideration discussions? Again, how often is faith given a voice?

OK, one last thing. I realize not all feminist blogging is comprised of feminist Church-related discussions. Some discussions are just about interesting issues – some not even directly related to women. This is something that can be very enjoyable for a broader audience. There are many of us out here who love the connection and intellectual stimulation that the bloggernacle can offer. That is its strength, and perhaps those are the kinds of things that should be given more attention, rather than rehashing the same old things over and over again. (There are many who have spoken about this bloggernacle burnout, so I'm not the only one who feels this way.)

In answer to Kiskilili's last question, I read and participate (although lately, less frequently) in feminist blogs for a variety of reasons:
– To understand others' points of view, struggles, etc. Believe it or not, I do care about that.
– To understand what issues are tender points. I have learned about some of our history that I was not aware of before. I don't believe we need to know all of the history to have a testimony, and sometimes I think it's actually rather pointless, but nevertheless, I know some things that have helped me in conversations with friends who have come across stuff and wondered.
– To share a differing point of view (although too often I feel such a point of view is not wanted).
– To sort through my own feelings, to ponder and study, and then to articulate how the "party line" answers bring me peace. This has strengthened my testimony of the gospel, the Church, of prophetic leadership, of the Proclamation, and other elements of "Mormon" life in various ways.

I know that was long and repetitive...like I said, this is about as well as I can do today. Sorry it wasn't more succinct. :)

Islandic Introspection

It's one of those days.

I feel like a lonely little island in a big sea. I know I'm not really alone, but I'm feeling that way today. The bloggernacle can be a frustrating place.

I participate in discussions about issues (like feminism, for example) not because I struggle with them myself, but because I like to understand those who do struggle, and I like to share what it is that grounds me and brings me peace. I also like to think through and articulate my thoughts because they become more clear within my own mind and heart. I've had some wonderful 'a-ha's while pondering a post or writing a response. I treasure those moments.

I yearn for my brothers and sisters to find peace with these issues -- not only for themselves, but for all of us. Focusing on and fuming over controversial issues divides us. Zion cannot be built when we are more concerned about the issues that define Babylon. We should not be divided along lines of political leanings, or philosophical concerns, or ideologies. We should be focused on the doctrine of Christ. Of one heart. Of one mind. Of one doctrine. With no "-ites."

But controversy breeds conversation in the 'nacle. And when "orthodoxy" (yet another label I don't like to use, but will to make my point) meets controversy, it's often not a pretty sight. My personal experience (as I share my "mainstream" feelings) has been to be misunderstood, misjudged, misrepresented--and even mistreated. I'm close to giving up commenting on others' blogs altogether. Just when I think I am part of a community, the reality hits that I'm often (usually) speaking to myself. If I were to run statistics on my comments, I am confident I would find that the majority are ignored. Many of the rest are attacked. (There are those who really do open their hearts to me, and for that I am grateful.) But, most of the time, there is a feeling of "me" and "them." Lonely indeed.

What would be the difference if I stopped vacationing on those islands, anyway? If my gut is right and most of the time my thoughts and feelings are ignored or dismissed or criticized, what's the point of staying? I realize that some of the problem is that I still have to learn how best to share my thoughts without coming across too strong. I need to "seek to understand" more before jumping straight to "being understood." But do I not deserve respect and patience as well? I am still relatively new to this blogging world and all the rules of engagement.

Then again, it seems the rules of engagement are usually for one purpose: to create a "safe place" for controversy. The thing is, the unwritten way to enforce those rules is to make sure that much of the 'nacle is not a safe place for people like me. (Sadly, however, this feeling is usually perpetrated by an intolerant few; I am grateful to those who would disagree agreeably. However, it only takes a few big waves to make the island feel unsafe.)

So, perhaps it's time to retreat and regroup and refocus my energies on those few little islands where I, myself, can feel safe.